Facing Fears ~ Tamara L. Floyd

A Story of Forgiveness and Reconciliation of an Abandoned Daughter

By: Khadijah Carter

My biggest fear was the most important thing that I needed to face. After years of wondering why, crying inside and being subjected to the pain of abandonment, I finally had to seek out one of the sources of this turmoil: my mother. The discovery of her whereabouts was made by a relative seven months prior to my decision to stop running and face the reality that she was indeed alive. I had no choice this time. I was once again experiencing the results of my fears, mistrust, rejection, which had begun to manifest in its usual pattern of confusion and dismay. After praying and crying out to the Lord on this day that would signify my healing, He told me to get up and call my mother. I obeyed. As the phone rang, I hoped that she would answer. I hadn’t heard her voice in over twenty years or felt her embrace since I was two, but I needed to at that moment. When she answered, I heard my own voice as our tone is rather similar. I simply said: “Hi, this is Khadijah.” There was a brief hesitation and she replied: “Thank God, I had been fasting this week and the results are this call.” After many years of subconscious warfare and not knowing what to expect, I felt at peace. As she lives in Hawaii, we are thousands of miles away yet the natural maternal bond bridged any geographical barriers. I explained why I hadn’t responded to her attempts to reach me sooner. I wasn’t ready and to guise the hurt, it was easier to perceive her in a negative light.

I listened intently as she thoroughly explained her version of the incidences surrounding my birth and our subsequent separation. It fit the scattered recounts that I’d heard from various people throughout the years. Although the situation had forced me to endure many years of distress from being placed into the foster care system, adoption by a Christian family, and a lost identity, I felt no resentment. I just needed to hear her version. I could relate many aspects of my life to Joseph who was separated from his family yet God never left his side and used that bad for good. As she talked and gave more background about herself, what she’s currently doing and why she hadn’t reached out earlier, my heart began to melt away any bitterness. Regardless of everything, I was blessed to have reconciled with her (as I had done so ten years ago with my father). I’ve had a few spiritual and surrogate mother-like figures throughout the years, all of whom have been instrumental in filling that maternal void, but I could now connect to the direct source. Wow! As my own daughter walked in the door, smiling and saying in her cute baby voice: “Hi Mommy, I’m home…” I looked at her and realized that regardless of my desires to be a good mother, I too will fall short at times but I pray that she will forgive my trespasses, as I’ve decided to forgive my mothers.

I do not know what lies ahead as far as our relationship, but I do know that unforgiveness, especially towards parents since God says we’re supposed to honor them, is a major spiritual hindrance. But reconciliation can give life to both parties.

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord you God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Deuteronomy 5: 16

About the Author

Khadijah Carter is a beautiful woman of God, mother and daughter who strive everyday to fulfill her God given mission. She is a talent singer and writer.